if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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