tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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