I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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