Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
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