Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Blow job season was short but glorious.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
