sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
