Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
