he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
