im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize