I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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