if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
