my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
