pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
