is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize