Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
nutella sex= disaster
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
