Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
You took a bar mat shot.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Randomize
