Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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