I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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