I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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