Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
