This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Randomize
