Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Randomize
