I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
