Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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