it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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