I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize