Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
