dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
