My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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