mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
