hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
