dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
