In America we eat man semen.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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