I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
