Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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