Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
