So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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