I'm gonna have a badass scar
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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