What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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