i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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