Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
