We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
