hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
