he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I got inside last night via doggy door
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
