The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
