she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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