Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
