dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
