I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
