When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
