just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
