I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I didn't shave. On purpose
did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
