While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize