If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
