it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
