while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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