So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
