She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
