I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
