So drunk its hurt
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
