I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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