Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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