Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
