I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
